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First blog post

Hi, I’ve never had a blog before but I was encouraged by a friend to put all down so that’s what I’m doing. I’ll be 25years old tomorrow but it’s not going to be the “happiest” birthday probably the worst birthday ever and trust me I’m not being dramatic I’ll get to the reasons why later. I’m starting this out as a get to know me blog. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 9 months to be exact! I can honestly say he is my rock my best friend my good place. I love him so much and I love our journey that we are going through together.

Family well not to much to say about that. I have 3 older sisters I’m the baby of the family. My parents are still together. I have one adorable nephew who is almost 5 months I love him to pieces! We are your average American family occasional fighting but in the end come back together.

I’m excited about my blog and everything I go through I’ll put it down because I know someone out there is probably going through or maybe already has gone through what I’m going through and we are not alone. This blog won’t consist of just my life journey. I love to cook/bake and I’ve been told that I’m an amazing cook so I will take compliments any day! I have awesome easy recipes that I would love to share! I love to workout and I will put some tips on here to help anyone out along with the supplements I am currently using. I love makeup and clothes I don’t know any girl who doesn’t so tips about that along with what I’m using. Im excited about this journey and look forward to reading fellow bloggers tips and advice.

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Cause god won’t make a mountain I can’t climb.

Hey y’all! Happy Monday I hope everyone had an awesome weekend. My weekend was perfect I did absolutely NOTHING! I wasn’t up for much I’m still not in the mood to get back to my old routines. I know I have to and I know I will get there eventually.  Everything I have been through these last few weeks has really just broken me. I have people come up to me and ask how I’m holding up or if I need anything to ask. I put on my fake smile and tell them I’m fine I laugh at their jokes. I’m not “ok” I know they are being polite and trying to comfort me and if I was in their shoes I probably would be saying the same thing cause you don’t know what to tell that person because there is absolutely nothing you can say to make them feel better. What I want is for my baby to be with me again I would have been 10 weeks. I was listening to the radio driving home from work and this song came on. It has nothing to do with anything I’m going through right now but I was listening and these lyrics just stuck out. The song is called “It’s getting better all the time”  by Brooks and Dunn. The part in the song was “Cause god won’t make a mountain I can’t climb”. I really needed to hear that because I know I’m a strong person even if it’s tough right now I’m not going to stop fighting. I may not understand why I am having to go through this but I do know that he wouldnt put me through anything that I couldnt handle.

 

However this weekend my boyfriend and I went to a friends house and we had a cookout! Being around friends is whats helping me Im so grateful to have people who love and care about me. It was a much needed day to hangout relax and eat some yummy BBQ we made so much food. I also made these delicious brownies! Im a chocolate lover chocolate just makes everything better! They are called Reese’s stuffed brownies omg I was in heaven!

How yummy does that look the left side is the before picture and the right side is the after picture! Im actually going to go get me one right now there is still some leftover! I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow! This week is a short week for me I have a 3 day weekend!

Broken.

    February 24th 2017 my life changed instantly! It’s crazy how you don’t think you want something so bad until you finally have it. I was a week late which wasn’t really out of the ordinary but something told me to just take a test. It came out positive! I was so excited and once I saw the words on that pregnancy stick “Pregnant” tears filled my eyes. I couldn’t wait to tell my boyfriend of (3 years)! I got a babies onesie (which I took from my 4 month old nephew) in big black letters I wrote “Your going to be a DADDY” I wrapped the pregnancy test and I waited for him to come home! Might I say it was the longest 3 hours of my life!

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       We were both ready for this journey as to becoming parents something we have been wanting for a while. We had been pregnant before but unfortunately at 6 weeks ended as I had a miscarriage. The Doctor told me 1 in every 4 women who are pregnant end in a miscarriage and it just so happened to be us. It was nothing that I did wrong but yet I felt as if it was. Maybe I shouldn’t have picked up the hamper to do laundry, maybe I shouldn’t have let work get to me and stress me out. I was a telephone banker and customers would yell and scream at you and I would take it to heart and cry and stress out. No matter what I always thought it was my fault. Anybody ever had a miscarriage and thought that way? Was just totally mad and lonely?  

     Well every pregnancy is different right? My boyfriend and I went into this with positive  thoughts it was going to different. We saw close friends, my sister all have babies but this was our time to be able to have a bundle of joy of our own. We went to appointments got confirmed that I was pregnant. Went to the prenatal visit which last time I never got passed that so we were excited! Next appointment was the sonogram anxious and scared at the same time we walked into the room to see our baby. Like always the lady was very quiet looking at our little nugget is what we called it. She turned up the volume and asked if we heard that. It was very low but we sure did hear that our tiny baby had a heartbeat!!!! It is an amazing feeling being able to hear a heartbeat something we didn’t get to hear our first time. We created this miracle and were so excited to be able to meet him or her in 7 months!

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    Well little did we know in those 7 months we weren’t going to meet our bundle of joy! I started spotting by March 27th it was brown discharge which I was told was normal so I didn’t worry about it much tried not to stress which was easier said than done. I had no cramping so we stayed positive. The last time I did have cramping and it was actual blood not brown. Three days later March 30 it turned red but still no cramping still hoping and thinking positive I set up an appointment to be on the safe side. We had a sonogram done and our little nugget had grown so much it actually looked like a baby we could see his or her head the shape at least but still small. The silence filled the room as the lady was examining me and moving it around. When she was done she grabbed my arm and said there was no movement and of course no heartbeat. Literally my heart sank into my stomach. I looked at my boyfriend and we couldn’t say anything to each other there was just silence. Why us again? I don’t understand at all why this happened to us again. What did I do wrong? You see women who end up killing their newborn babies or giving them up. While people like us can’t even have one! I mean come on I’m so angry with myself and with god! How can the man upstairs keep hurting us like this? It was 2 days from my 25th birthday some birthday present and just a awful way to start a new year of my life. We fell in love with our baby the first time the second time we fell in love with it when we heard his or her heartbeat. To think you finally get something you have been wanting and in a flash its gone just like that. I’m defeated I’m broken, confused, hurt, angry, sad and lonely. My boyfriend is always by my side and he is my rock my soul mate my best friend but we still want our babies. It just doesn’t make sense how can we be that couple that “1 out of 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage”. I don’t now where to go from here I’m broken and slowly trying to pick up the pieces to make my self whole again. I know I’ll never be whole there will always be to holes in my heart. I just have to take it one day at a time knowing that one day might be harder than the last.

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